The 100 Happy Days Project

Okay, I already told you that I’ve been seesawing between happiness and sadness quite a lot recently. So to focus on what makes me happy and for me to count my blessings, I signed up for the #100happydays project. I’ve been seeing a lot of the hashtag on my social media, and figured, why not join. It’ll make me be grateful for my blessings rather than mope about things that frustrate me because I have no control over them.

So aptly, my first post was about being thankful for this little one growing inside me.

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u1

There is not really much to show for except that tiny, almost unreadable speck that will turn out to be one of God’s best creations. I thank God for that wonderful heartbeat that gave me more hope than doubt about whether I can carry this through. I have never prayed for anything more in my life and my prayer is as simple as it could get–Lord please keep my baby safe.

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Haggling with the Almighty

Please Lord. Balato mo na sa kin to.

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I don’t know what to think and feel anymore. While I jumped for joy for the two positive lines (albeit the other one is fainter than ideal), there are still the telltale signs that not everything is on track. I wish I am just paranoid. I wish I could ignore the light spotting, the absence of a heartbeat at the very first ultrasound, the larger than life myoma that has permanently taken habitat of my reproductive system that leaves very little space for my would-be babies. It would be absolutely great if I could just concentrate on the absence of my period for the last six weeks and four days, or the extreme fatigue I am experiencing, or my very sore mammary glands, or my burgeoning tummy, or the intermittent nausea.

I would be so happy one minute, then immensely depressed the next when I think about how painful it was to have hoped and lost. I do not want to feel this and this anymore. I do not want to feel that crushing defeat again. I definitely do not want history to repeat itself.

Gracious visit

Your presence at our home couldn’t come at a better time. There are so many things I want to talk to you about, and looking at you face to face just makes it all the more easier. I know that you listen, even at a distance. But believe me, now that we are facing many obstacles in our work, the health of our family, and other worldly concerns, seeing you watching over us definitely lifts our low spirits. Thank you for being here, and for serenely looking over us as we triumph or struggle with our day to day life.

Lifted spirits

Thank you Lord. After feeling all the dejection, desperation, low-down, and angst, I am finally here. With hard work, lotsa lotsa patience and prayers, I was given renewed hope that everything will be alright. Now, I am up for the challenge and embracing the responsibility. I know I should step up more because that almost did me in (supposedly, I am not as assertive or bibo as the position calls for). Anyway, more positivity! Let’s all just do our work, and not dwell on past grudges. We’re here to serve the public.

This week’s prayer

I was tasked to lead the prayer this morning at our weekly flag ceremony at work. As I have been feeling low and disgruntled, I googled prayers and found this, which I tweaked a little here and there. Seems to me like I could really live by this. For now.

I’ve said it many times over: I am not a deeply religious person. I don’t recite my morning, evening or daily prayers. I talked to God anytime I want to anyway. I know that He talks to me whether I listen or not. He loves me that way. But like a friend, I know I can turn to Him in my most distressing or happiest times. He is there for me either way. These past few weeks, I so need Him like water. Or I’ll probably go crazy.

Lord, we sometimes experience much stress in our lives. We do have faith in You and Your divine guidance yet we still feel afraid, alone and lost on what to do. We know You are with us Father and we consciously choose to embrace a higher state of awareness that includes you. We are listening Father, for You to guide us on the next steps to take.

Father, we ask You to increase our faith, discipline and resolve so that when we encounter difficult circumstances, our spirits are calmed. We are certain that You have our best interests under Your divine control, influence, power and love. We are knocking, we are seeking, we are asking for Your help. Through Jesus Christ’s precious blood and most holy face, I ask you to release me from this stressful situation.

Amen.

of the recent holy week and temper tantrums

haven’t posted in a while since i was in mommy hiatus for the past several days owing to the long holiday.  i swear i get more writing and computer work done when i’m away from home.  but no complaints here.  i always try to squeeze in more time and savor the moments when i could personally attend to mischa’s needs, and get her away from the care of the nanny if i could help it.  if i couldn’t do it, i make sure hubby is available to get her.  i make sure she knows her primary caregivers.  yeah i know, one of my irrational fears that my daughter will turn more to her yaya and other people other than her own mommy.  it doesn’t help that i feel that some do a little “brainwashing”, like telling her “o come to ___, namiss ako ng baby ano?“.  i mean, wtf, just tell the kid you miss her and not try to condition her that she’s the one missing you.  and when she’s having sumpong, gets her from me (literally grabs her from my arms), saying that it is her who can console her and that mischa is pitiful if she’s not carrying her.  for crying out loud, I AM HER MOTHER!!  papaano sya magiging kawawa eh ako ang nanay nya?!! so there.  i’ve been ranting about this thing the past few posts and i can’t seem to stop for this is the only vehicle i have–writing about it.  sometimes i feel like i’m going to be sick because i can’t answer back.  it’s been being bottled up inside.  grrrr…

i just tried to savor each and every minute that i get to take care of her the whole time, playing with her in bed in the early hours of the morning when she wakes up, which we can’t do whenever we both have to rush for work every morning.  never mind that she wakes up at the ungodly hour of 5 am.  or doing all her feeding, taking her out for walks because she likes the outside air and noise, bathing her, carrying her almost all day because she doesn’t like to be put down in her crib for a long period of time.  never mind that i have a constant backache whenever she wants to be hele-d to sleep.  i glory in that pain.

what i didn’t like was that she seems to be getting a real temperament.  and a fierce one at that.  i didn’t like her afternoon tantrums.  it’s so hard to believe that that angelic face could contort unto an almost bizarre anger.  i don’t know if she’s acting up because her parents are there (which most kids are apt to do when they try to call attention) as what our companion keeps on insisting.  i just become mortally afraid of what kind of personality my daughter is developing if the “episodes” we witnessed are any indication of how she will be when grows a little older.  i don’t know if it is too early for worry but i really am having apprehensions i couldn’t quite shake off.  i don’t want to raise a monster.  and i don’t know if i have the heart and willpower to discipline a willful person.  most of the time, despite my reputation as a person of strength, i know i am such a pushover.  and i really don’t know (at this time) how i will deal with mischa in the future.  i don’t know if i will have the heart to be hard on her even if i have to.  oh Lord.  likewise, i hope i can deal well with people who i know will clash with me if i have to put my foot down with her.

other than that, we had a pretty quiet holy week.  i grew up in a catholic-fashioned way because of my mom and school, but i really didn’t get to observe any traditions this time.  i am sorry to say that i wasn’t even able to contemplate, let alone say prayers.   i wasn’t able to get myself inside a church during the holy week for the first time in my life.  i promise to do better next time.  i know i’ve given birth almost ten months back, but up to now, i’m still trying to get the hang of running a household, what with all the pakikisama i have to endure apart from taking care of the baby, planning and cooking meals, paying bills, making sure everyone is comfortable, etc.  i am grateful for the help i have right now.  she really does make things a lot easier on my part.

hubby and i also talked.  i know!  it seems strange that we spend almost 24 hours a day literally yet we don’t really “talk”.  we’re caught up in our own work and see each other during lunch and on the way to and from the office.  we do a little chitchat, catch up on the rumor mill but we seldom talk about ourselves.  our general consensus this time is getting our own place.  what with my issues and of course our need for independence, we deeply feel the urge to be on our own and raise our family on our terms.  not that we can’t do that now, but become “just us”.  we know it’s a long way and we actually don’t know where to begin, all we know is we have to do this.  soon.  i’m clinging again to prayers.  God will help us find our way as long as we help ourselves.  it’s a long shot but we will work hard for it.