Sacrifice

I have been making a lot of them, and will continue to, in the next 27 weeks or so. And I have never been more glad to do them.

All for you, baby bean.

Although, of course, there are the twinges of envy that sometimes reaches up to me from out of nowhere. Such as when my folks and brother were able to push through with our planned family vacation in Cebu. The three of us (me, Mischa and the husband) bade them goodbye as they went off to the beautiful resort in Lapu Lapu City. Goodbye plane fares, goodbye fun. We could’ve been with them. My doctor actually cleared me for travel. But as it is, we decided it was best not to risk it.

I am thinking also of foregoing another trip to the north in two weeks. At the moment, I am still torn. I haven’t been bleeding for a while now. But still…

Trips to the malls are out of the question. Must not be kept on my feet for a long time.

images (2)I am also so sorry, I couldn’t take care of Ate now. Couldn’t help her in the bathroom. Couldn’t play much with her. I am always so careful not to overdo anything and basically take it easy. I hope Ate doesn’t it resent it much. She’s pretty excited about the baby. I hope it stays that way when it is born. But judging from her attachment to me, and the fact that she was used to being for all of her five years, I am bracing myself for bouts of jealousy.

As to my work, this is really what I want to sacrifice more. But circumstances has actually prevented me from fully doing so. I was put on bedrest for two weeks, and people around me were telling me to slow down or lie low. But I just can’t. May be my own fears and anxieties, but the fact is, I do wish I had more understanding and caring superiors. Sure, I was allowed to take leaves of absences. But really, I couldn’t feel the security I was looking for in the way work was handled in my absence. It didn’t help me relax at all. If anything, I was made to feel that I should be constantly be on my toes even in my most supposedly inert state. It’s like I should be an elephant on a tight rope all the time with a tiger pouncing on my back. I am so afraid of being thrown to the crocodiles.

Advertisements

Prisoner

Summer is here, but despite the heat and the yellow, cheerful surroundings, coldness has been gripping me inside the past two weeks. Fear and anxiety has been clutching at me ever since a gush of warm blood down there brought me to the ER. Blood has never been a good sign during your pregnancy, more so if you are just at your first trimester.

The good news though is that baby is doing great! Heartbeat is very good and he/she has exhibited marvelous somatic activities (meaning he/she moves her arms and legs quite actively). The husband was just over the moon seeing him/her. We are praying with all our might that he/she keeps this up for the rest of the pregnancy. Twenty nine weeks to go, give or take a week.

In the meantime, this mommy just has to sit back, relax, and wait out the 29 weeks. Bedrest is no fun at all. But it’s all I can do to keep the little babe safe.

I certainly feel like a prisoner-physically and emotionally. I wish I could just let go of everything. But I must fight. Everything will be worth it.

Lord please help us.