Haggling with the Almighty

Please Lord. Balato mo na sa kin to.

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I don’t know what to think and feel anymore. While I jumped for joy for the two positive lines (albeit the other one is fainter than ideal), there are still the telltale signs that not everything is on track. I wish I am just paranoid. I wish I could ignore the light spotting, the absence of a heartbeat at the very first ultrasound, the larger than life myoma that has permanently taken habitat of my reproductive system that leaves very little space for my would-be babies. It would be absolutely great if I could just concentrate on the absence of my period for the last six weeks and four days, or the extreme fatigue I am experiencing, or my very sore mammary glands, or my burgeoning tummy, or the intermittent nausea.

I would be so happy one minute, then immensely depressed the next when I think about how painful it was to have hoped and lost. I do not want to feel this and this anymore. I do not want to feel that crushing defeat again. I definitely do not want history to repeat itself.

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