Goodbye angel

To the angel that left me after only staying in this world for only ten weeks…

I just want to say thank you, anak, for making me happy and inspired even only for the one month I knew of your existence. I wish God had given me, your Daddy and your Ate Mischa the chance to get to know you and take care of you and welcome you into our family. Your older sister was so excited! You must have heard her talking to you, felt her tickling you and showering you with her sweet kisses.

Sometimes I wonder if you were just a figment of my imagination. Just like your Ate Mischa, I didn’t have any early pregnancy symptoms very common to other pregnant women. No nausea, no vomiting, no averse reaction to smells, no cravings. Even when I was bleeding heavily, a sure sign that something was wrong, I didn’t feel any bouts or lingering pain. You seemed almost like a fleeting butterfly that gently landed on me but flew even before I had the chance to admire or touch you. But I know how real you are.

Mommy is in pain right now but I will be okay. Not the physical one, but the pain that pierces the heart. I have a lot regrets. I wished I took better care of myself so I could have carried you better. I wish I can turn back time and not work that week when I was bleeding a lot. You showed me signs that you were sick, yet I went on like there was nothing wrong. The doctor told me there was really no telling why you went away. It could have been the myoma that has been there even with Ate Mischa but grew to huge proportions when you came along. It could have been stress. It could have been you because you were really fragile even from the get-go. It could have been anything my love! If I could just have held you, and let my mommy hands work their magic on you…

But Papa Jesus has other plans, I guess. Plans we don’t understand right now, but in time we will. Someday we will see you again. Until then, please take my tears with you. I take comfort in the knowledge that you are in the Lord’s hands, and that I have a champion in heaven now. I will keep you close to my heart forever. Please watch over us, especially Ate Mischa.

I love you dearest. Can you whisper to Him to give us another chance to love and take good care of one of His angels?

Love,

Mommy

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One thought on “Goodbye angel

  1. Pingback: Haggling with the Almighty | a crazy mom's world

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