yipee, it’s the ber-months! in the philippines, christmas season has unofficially began. carols started playing early today, and i swear i could see women all around mentally doing christmas lists. i’ve said this many times, especially in the past year, but, time does flies soooo fast. is it christmas already? where have all the days, weeks and months gone? when i am working, it seems that the clock has an unusual and weird way of ticking and crawling like a turtle. but my mornings, nights and weekends always seem to move at an intense speed that sometimes i feel dizzy, and i have to catch my breath.
i can’t believe that this time last year, i was bundling up mischa for her first ever holiday in subic. she was just a teeny, tiny thing who just slept and drank milk, and never fussed about anything. she couldn’t even turn yet, and it was almost funny that we could just leave her on the bed and not have to worry about her falling off. now, i expend all my energies trying to restrain her because she’s all over the place. any day now, we are expecting her to fall off the bed when hubby and i are fast asleep and she couldn’t contain herself. she thinks she’s superwoman, you know. thinks she won’t hurt herself from trying to climb the windows from the bed, or trying to walk as fast as her chubby legs could carry her, or hanging by the edge of the bed. she’s also trying hard to make herself understood all the time. as a mother, i glory in carrying on a conversation with her, trying to make sense of all the words coming from her. it’s a true wonder whereas last year, her father and i were just contentedly listening to her coos. now, she can say mama (to both parents), ah-my (mommy), cat, dede (for milk), buh (for bird), amm (for food), baba (to go down), wow, ouch, te (for her nanny), wowo, wowa, uga (for hugas or wash), wawa (pitiful), boo and a host of words and various syllables, especially i-je, which she often yells when frustrated or angry. she has also grown fond of looking out the window, and watch as other children play or people pass by the house. while she understands the concept of kissing, oftentimes, when her daddy and i ask for a kiss, she offers her forehead or her cheek. she can be really sweet, pa-cute and has gotten a little mischievous, but she’s also very temperamental. she shows little signs of aggression, often hitting herself when she knows she’s being reprimanded, and she wags her index finger when somebody tells her lagot. hay! sometimes when i think of how she’s grown, i have to stop myself and just take it all in. mischa has my head spinning, and i tried to think of the time when i won’t feel surprised or amazed at the littlest things she does. everytime i watch her sleep, it seems like i could see every fraction of a centimeter that she grows. i feel like i should avoid blinking lest i miss anything.
now i realize that, no matter how many children we might have in the future, she will always be my first love. i know that i will love the others as passionately, but you can’t help but give yourself wholly into firstborn love. everything is new to the senses. is that crazy? and i also know that each time i bear children, i make myself more vulnerable. like opening one’s self and accepting new wounds into my heart, like plunging headlong into a dive, feeling the exhilaration yet feeling all the muscles bunched up with the expected intensity of it all. i understand the fact, aside from the love and happiness that mischa and my other children will bring, i must also embrace the pain and wonderful suffering that comes with it.
the first sounds of christmas carols this morning made me a little pensive and corny today. it doesn’t help that i’m (again) frustrated with work and having to pick up after other people’s messes. all i could think of now is my mischa and how i could be with her 24/7 instead of having had to deal with stuff that i find no meaning in. i want to be there and witness every single new word that she will utter, every step that her feet would take, and wipe every tear she will make. i couldn’t wait for that someday that i can always take care of her. she will only be a baby once.