the good and the bad

i received some news today, which i have been anyway anticipating in the past few days.  i knew i was due for a step increment.  in government employee terms, that means you haven’t moved a notch in the last 3 years.  but mine are 2 steps ever since i was promoted in 2004.  obvious conclusion: i haven’t had any professional growth in this thankless job in the last 6 years.  i know i’ve ranted enough but i’m sorry i was just reminded of my predicament.  while i should be grateful for the minimal increase, can’t help but feel a little self-pity again that i am stuck hard in this pit.  (an increase is an increase period.  it would pay for diapers.)  i want to move on.  i’ve been trying so damn hard but no such luck yet for that long-awaited interview.  i want to go.  i want to be a SAHM, even a WAHM, anything.  i’ve even taken a shot at administrative openings in international organizations.  if only i could leave just like that.  but i can’t.  i’ve got a mouth of feed, milk and diapers to buy, utilities to pay for.  i shuffle my feet to work EVERY SINGLE DAY.

i want to be excited for work, looking forward to possibilities, a new day.  i want to gain my enthusiasm when meeting people and new challenges.  i want to revive my passion for serving others.  hay!

good lord, please have mercy on this fellow.  i’ve trying to be good.  i’ve aiming for good karma.  i’m kind to my helper.  i’ve lessened my grumblings.  i try not to nitpick.  i try not to make pintas.  what have i done wrong?  can you hear me up there?  pretty please?

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