i have posted quite a few to date. not that i think anybody follows my blog, but still gotta be more careful. yeah i know, it’s very cowardly of me. it might have been better not to post it at all but i just had to write, write and write! sometimes it’s the only refuge i can retreat into, aside from ranting all i want with poor hubby. it seems that i have a lot of deep seated angst that i have to get rid of. and by writing, i hope some of the poison inside maybe siphoned off as i type away all the bad thoughts running through my head. but still, i can’t afford to lay bare my guts for the world to see at the moment, hence the passwords. maybe i fear the backlash. in this time of tsismis, one cannot be too sure of your allies, and there is forever the threat of being misquoted or misunderstood. at home, i need the peace and quiet. i cannot afford to stir any trouble despite the feeling of being oppressed to some degree. hindi pa kami pwedeng magyabang. while the rebellious monster is struggling to get loose from inside my chest, i need to tame it for the meantime.
maybe i am becoming an unhappy person. i know i don’t want to. i mean, who wants to feel bad at all? don’t we all strive for the good? isn’t our eventual goal in life, balance? but there are just things you can’t shake off. things beyond your control especially if you meet them head-on for almost every single day of your life at the moment. there you have it–the source of my stress comes mainly from work and home (although the latter attacks on weekends when i have my hands full of household duties that i try to catch up one during my absence the entire work week).
needless to say, much as i would like to be just a simple, happy person, sometimes i just can’t. the unpleasantness just seems to seep into my veins despite my vigorous resistance. thus, the need to vent, even through my writing. one day, i will come back for them, and maybe unlock them for the world to see. hopefully i can look back and laugh my heart out upon reading the “perils” of my life. it would serve as a kind of barometer if i have grown up since then (or the people around me anyway). it’s funny how we always think we’re on the right side of the fence. for now, i’m just a closet blogger, hiding behind my words, revealing my thoughts to those i can say holds my heart in their hands without fear of them breaking it or being careless with it.