of the recent holy week and temper tantrums

haven’t posted in a while since i was in mommy hiatus for the past several days owing to the long holiday.  i swear i get more writing and computer work done when i’m away from home.  but no complaints here.  i always try to squeeze in more time and savor the moments when i could personally attend to mischa’s needs, and get her away from the care of the nanny if i could help it.  if i couldn’t do it, i make sure hubby is available to get her.  i make sure she knows her primary caregivers.  yeah i know, one of my irrational fears that my daughter will turn more to her yaya and other people other than her own mommy.  it doesn’t help that i feel that some do a little “brainwashing”, like telling her “o come to ___, namiss ako ng baby ano?“.  i mean, wtf, just tell the kid you miss her and not try to condition her that she’s the one missing you.  and when she’s having sumpong, gets her from me (literally grabs her from my arms), saying that it is her who can console her and that mischa is pitiful if she’s not carrying her.  for crying out loud, I AM HER MOTHER!!  papaano sya magiging kawawa eh ako ang nanay nya?!! so there.  i’ve been ranting about this thing the past few posts and i can’t seem to stop for this is the only vehicle i have–writing about it.  sometimes i feel like i’m going to be sick because i can’t answer back.  it’s been being bottled up inside.  grrrr…

i just tried to savor each and every minute that i get to take care of her the whole time, playing with her in bed in the early hours of the morning when she wakes up, which we can’t do whenever we both have to rush for work every morning.  never mind that she wakes up at the ungodly hour of 5 am.  or doing all her feeding, taking her out for walks because she likes the outside air and noise, bathing her, carrying her almost all day because she doesn’t like to be put down in her crib for a long period of time.  never mind that i have a constant backache whenever she wants to be hele-d to sleep.  i glory in that pain.

what i didn’t like was that she seems to be getting a real temperament.  and a fierce one at that.  i didn’t like her afternoon tantrums.  it’s so hard to believe that that angelic face could contort unto an almost bizarre anger.  i don’t know if she’s acting up because her parents are there (which most kids are apt to do when they try to call attention) as what our companion keeps on insisting.  i just become mortally afraid of what kind of personality my daughter is developing if the “episodes” we witnessed are any indication of how she will be when grows a little older.  i don’t know if it is too early for worry but i really am having apprehensions i couldn’t quite shake off.  i don’t want to raise a monster.  and i don’t know if i have the heart and willpower to discipline a willful person.  most of the time, despite my reputation as a person of strength, i know i am such a pushover.  and i really don’t know (at this time) how i will deal with mischa in the future.  i don’t know if i will have the heart to be hard on her even if i have to.  oh Lord.  likewise, i hope i can deal well with people who i know will clash with me if i have to put my foot down with her.

other than that, we had a pretty quiet holy week.  i grew up in a catholic-fashioned way because of my mom and school, but i really didn’t get to observe any traditions this time.  i am sorry to say that i wasn’t even able to contemplate, let alone say prayers.   i wasn’t able to get myself inside a church during the holy week for the first time in my life.  i promise to do better next time.  i know i’ve given birth almost ten months back, but up to now, i’m still trying to get the hang of running a household, what with all the pakikisama i have to endure apart from taking care of the baby, planning and cooking meals, paying bills, making sure everyone is comfortable, etc.  i am grateful for the help i have right now.  she really does make things a lot easier on my part.

hubby and i also talked.  i know!  it seems strange that we spend almost 24 hours a day literally yet we don’t really “talk”.  we’re caught up in our own work and see each other during lunch and on the way to and from the office.  we do a little chitchat, catch up on the rumor mill but we seldom talk about ourselves.  our general consensus this time is getting our own place.  what with my issues and of course our need for independence, we deeply feel the urge to be on our own and raise our family on our terms.  not that we can’t do that now, but become “just us”.  we know it’s a long way and we actually don’t know where to begin, all we know is we have to do this.  soon.  i’m clinging again to prayers.  God will help us find our way as long as we help ourselves.  it’s a long shot but we will work hard for it.

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