mini depression mode

i am sort of sinking into mini-depression mode when i learned that some people in our management (who have nothing better to do) will again be monitoring our internet usage, and recommending the immediate ban of some popular networking sites, in particular facebook and all its applications. admittedly, these may cause some time off from employees in the conduct of their official work and may even clog up/slow down the internet connection. but what the fuck, don’t people have better things to do than spy on which freaking sites other people visit? isn’t this some kind of voyeurism, much like the anti-wiretapping law? i feel strongly about this because being online is the only thing that keeps me going these days when i am so unhappy at work. for some time now, i have been having issues since i have not been given significant assisgnments, and i was kicked out of my comfort zone. i feel like this is something personal because of things that happened a long time ago that have nothing to do with work, but has been a constant battle of wills. it’s just my bad that i am not in the better position. power really does get in your head after you’ve had a taste of it. i know i shouldn’t be in this gloomy mode especially today since hubby is celebrating his 27th. but IMO it doesn’t really matter what you do with your time as long as you produce the output that’s expected of you on your deadline. isn’t that our goal in the organization? now i feel really strange and kind of down because i couldn’t surf the net as much as i would like to, or keep up with friends on facebook, or use applications to my heart’s content. i know it seems so shallow but i hate the underlying reason of some to detect the every move of every person. they think they can wield personal control over their subordinates. instead of accomplishing their own tasks, some would have to readjust their work schedule to put in hours to look at our computers’ activities. it’s just sooo…evil. whatever happened to privacy.

another maroonΒ moment

being the proud iskolar ng bayan that we are, we have been trying to patronize products that shout out our identities as the nation’s cream of the crop. yesterday, we got this coke bottle being sold by jollibee πŸ™‚

DSC_2653

DSC_2650

haven’t gotten around to wearing this shirt brought a couple of months ago for fear of exposing my unsightly bulges when the fabric clings to my body. what was i thinking in getting something in this size. i guess i was hoping this would motivate me in shedding off a few more pounds so that it will fit me. now i don’t know when i can actually wear this.

shirt

i even wanted to buy something like this for mischa courtesy of an online seller who belongs to an online community that i also belong to:

1-isko

i wonder what’s next.

back to home base

in less than a month, we again packed and unpacked our stuff. these are mostly mischa’s stuff, which for the love of God, i couldn’t quite figure how a creature that small could need that much paraphernalia. her things made up more than half of what we usually need to transport since we’ve been going back and forth from my parents’ house to ours. anyway, mischa didn’t seem to notice any difference which place we stay at anyway. only mommy and daddy seem to be extra happy now that we could breathe a little bit because we are now on our own again, which means we got to call all the shots. of course, this spells more expenses since we pay again on our way (my folks refuse to accept money for bills) and markets food for the household even though we do buy stuff for the house. i know we give up a lot everytime we go home but needless to say, the independence, especially when it comes to rearing mischa, gives me more comfort. plus i didn’t get hitched and had a child only to stay under the skirt of my mother πŸ™‚ i know mama would again be in buckets of tears as soon as they leave us, especially mischa. but we have to live our own life and we (my brother and i) have already left the nest long before. i know she still hasn’t really gotten used to this, and has been compounded of course by the newest addition to the family.

forty two things that change when you have a baby

i am reposting this from babycenter.com because of how it made me think of my behavior ever since mischa came into my life. incidentally, i’ve been having some issues with myself on how other aspects of my life are going at the moment, like i feel so out of touch with other people, i feel out of place and so not in the news, my career sucks, and so on. it’s kind of like you feel your head spinning like a top when you’re not around your kid and i kept wondering why things are going the way they were (not to my liking). but all these naturally stops the moment i set foot in the house at night when i come home from a really bad day at the office and i get to glimpse my mischa. i know i wouldn’t change motherhood for anything in this world, even if everything else can go down the drain. so read on. the things i feel strongly about are highlighted.

What changes when you have a baby? A better question may be: What doesn’t change? Here, writer and mom Rebecca Woolf lists her most notable post-baby observations. Then scroll down to read our favorite comments from readers about how their babies changed their lives.

1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.

2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid. [See a reader’s perspective in #22, below.]

3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.

4. You respect your body … finally.

5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.

6. You find that your baby’s pain feels much worse than your own.

7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.

8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.

9. Your heart breaks much more easily.

10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.

11. Every day is a surprise.

12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)

13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.

14. You become a morning person.

15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.

And from our readers…

1. “You discover how much there is to say about one tooth.” β€” Ashley’s mom

2. “You finally realize that true joy doesn’t come from material wealth.” β€” Anonymous

3. “You now know where the sun comes from.” β€” Charlotte

4. “You’d rather buy a plastic tricycle than those shoes that you’ve been dying to have.” β€” Sophie’s mom

5. “You realize that although sticky, lollipops have magical powers.” β€” Roxanne

6. “You don’t mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on Friday night.” β€” Kellye

7. “Silence? What’s that?” β€” Anonymous

8. “You realize that the 15 pounds you can’t seem to get rid of are totally worth having.” β€” Brenda

9. “You discover an inner strength you never thought you had.” β€” Ronin and Brookie’s mom

10. “You no longer rely on a clock β€” your baby now sets your schedule.” β€” Thomas’ mom

11. “You give parents with a screaming child an ‘I-know-the-feeling’ look instead of a ‘Can’t-they-shut-him-up?’ one.” β€” Jaidyn’s mom

12. “Your dog β€” who used to be your ‘baby’ β€” becomes just a dog.” β€” Kara

13. “You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you’ll be late.” β€” Tracey

14. “You learn that taking a shower is a luxury.” β€” Jayden’s mom

15. “You realize that you can love a complete stranger.” β€” Dezarae’s mom

16. You find yourself wanting to make this world a better place. β€” Arizona

17. If you didn’t believe in love at first sight before, now you do! β€” Ciara

18. You start to appreciate Sesame Street for its intellectual contribution. β€” Anon.

19. You have to quit watching the news because you see every story from a mother’s perspective and it breaks your heart. β€” Brooke&Boys

20. You just plain love life more – everything comes together and becomes better because of one tiny person and your love for them. β€” Anon.

21. You finally find out the real reason you have those breasts. β€” Anon.

22. In response to #2 [above], I’d say that where you were once afraid, you’re now fearless. I was always very timid and shy and let myself get walked all over … but now where my kid’s concerned, I’ll speak my mind and really connect with my inner “b”! β€” gummismom

23. The support you get from other people surprises you, because the people giving it are not always the ones you’d expect. β€” japanese_macaque

24. Nothing is just yours any longer. You share EVERYTHING! β€” DylanLsMom

25. No matter what you’ve accomplished in life, you look at your child and think, “I’ve done a GREAT job!” β€” Anon.

26. You want to take better care of yourself for your child. β€” Treasor

27. You can have the most wonderful conversation using only vowel sounds like “ahhh” and “oooo.” β€” littlehulk2008

biggerΒ feet

one of the things i wasn’t expecting post-pregnancy is the change in my feet size. my body is almost back to normal, and have lost 22 lbs. with no effort. it’s still some way off from my pre-pregnancy weight of 105 lbs. but what the heck. i was on the chubby side anyway since i spurted into my teens, and having a slight bulge round my middle is oh so usual for me. it just now comes with a vertical scar where my mischa came out and stretch marks that are beginning to thin out and fade.

feetbut back to my feet, i noticed this when i bought shoes a week ago. i got into wade and found this cutie peep-toe black leathers with mini-kitten heels, and immediately tried it on. what a perfect fit! i got some assistance and asked for the other foot of the shoes, and was i surprised when told that it was a full size bigger than what i usually wore. when i was pregnant, i just wore flat sandals and my trusty havaianas. while big feet is a symptom of pregnancy, i didn’t count on it lasting way after i’ve given birth. well, maybe it’s an excuse to get more new shoes, don’t you think? (wink, wink)

on a more serious note, i think i now have bigger shoes to fill in connection with motherhood. although i now have become a mother, i still remain and will always be, a daughter. as i’ve noticed during our 3-week refuge at my parents’ house because of the nanny going away, my mother, mischa and i could not stay under the same roof for a long period of time. occasional visits and a few days’ stay at a time would do, but long term residency is a no-no. my mother and i clash when it comes to taking care of mischa. i don’t want that to happen. while i know deep in my heart that mama has mischa’s best interests at heart, i think, as her mother, i know what’s best for her. and it is very imperative that what’s best for her happens to her. this means not only providing for her physical, emotional, social and whatnot needs, but also developing her skills, temperament and other aspects of her personality, including self-discipline. i know mama is trying to make up for not taking care of me personally as i was growing up but you can’t make amends to compensate for long-gone opportunities. and while i want to be a good mother (trying so damn hard), i also don’t want to be a bitch daughter by trying to butt heads with her over mischa. her ways are different than mine, and i know this time, mine should prevail.

wednesday thoughts

it’s such a gloomy day today. we’re being beaten by horrendous rainpour since the weekend. it was nice and cozy then, being bundled up between sheets with your lovey and baby around you. then reality struck, and had to get back to work, forcing me and hubby to face a gloomy and wet week ahead. yesterday, hubby and i went home drenched to the bone.

9mischa had been especially lovable with all her antics, squeals, laughs, endless kiddie babbles and can now sit without toppling over, which made leaving her doubly hard. i wish i could stay with her all day and night and watch her as milestone after milestone unfolds. she just celebrated her third month in this world, and as a proud momma, i must say, i couldn’t find a finer baby in this world πŸ™‚ i think she’s really ahead of her class of 3-month olds. on her last check-up last saturday, she gained another 1.1 kgs., a far cry from the normal 600 grams that babies should gain every month after they’re born. although, i was earlier afraid that she’s going to start down the obese road the way she gulps down her milk. but i think we have that under control due to my persistence with family and caregivers not to give her more than what she needs. as i kept on saying, much to the chagrin of others who couldn’t stand seeing and hearing her cry and insists on putting a milk bottle into her mouth as soon as she starts bawling, crying doesn’t spell hunger. as mischa has proved to have an attitude this early (which i hope doesn’t last into childhood and later into adulthood), she has various needs and moods that come with her crying. most of the time, she demands to be picked up, carried or talked to. she’s quite the attention-getter. but who couldn’t resist, with her chinky eyes and wide wide smile. but while we want to shower her all the attention she wants, we must give her just the ample amount of love and care lest she learns to think that she can get away with anything she wants.

she also got her second shot of the hepa-b vaccine, which is among the long series of immunizations she needs. as was usual, she bellowed at the top of her lungs as soon as the needle went in. thank god, she was in the middle of finishing up a bottle, and continued as though nothing interrupted her feeding after crying for about five seconds. the pediatrician told us to ready ourselves with the next shot, as this will prove to be the most expensive yet (P5,000 for 1 shot, out of 3). oh well, a parent has to ensure safety and health above all things. thereafter, she’s only getting booster shots for all the other vaccines she’s already had anyhow. and we save up a lot on doctor’s fees because of the nice pediatrician we have.

on a more hopeful note, help is now on its way. yay! this area of motherhood/housekeeping has been giving me headaches ever since mischa was born. as both hubby and i are working, we need a helper/all-around maid/semi-nanny to do the chores at home and take care of the baby. the latter is secondary as somebody looks after her anyway. the last one we had, whom i had no choice but to live with despite all the palpak she has done at home, suddenly went home a month after we spent for her fare from the bicol province. somehow i felt shortchanged as we have not really made bawi on what we have shelled out, including, i suspect a finder’s fee for the person who recruited her. then the temporary help we hired who has to come in only in the mornings to do the laundry, the dishes and bathing mischa, goes as she please. despite our arrangement, she comes in anytime she wants. we hired her only because she occasionally does the ironing before in our house when i was still single. she’s an unemployed mother with five children and a number of grandchildren who lives near my aunt. so i really couldn’t understand how she couldn’t make true to her word and show herself up to do 4 hours of work. i couldn’t really understand this of some urban poor people when they have employment dangling over their heads and yet could not seem to put their heart into it when the alternative is hunger and less consumption power. i am not being overbearing or proud, but i keep on thinking how we, regular employees, can come on time to our work because we know it’s part of the terms and conditions of our employment. how come some people could not do the same? and to think their need is greater than ours. why can’t they love their work? or at least give importance to it when it feeds mouths. and many keep on complaining of poverty…

why is it so hard to get good help nowadays?

anyhow, i should not dwell on that much longer, as mama-in-law is coming to manila over the weekend bringing with her a new yaya! i hope and pray to God with all my heart that this will be a super duper bigger improvement. again, since we are desperate, we hired her as soon as we heard news of her availability. her ways at home is still suspect of course, pending reviews of yours truly. we could only expect as much from a 50-something widow from the barrio. as long as mischa is safe, we’ll have to do with her. we couldn’t afford to stay any longer at my folks’ home. am also going crazy with worry leaving her everyday. so i’m just staying positive for now that things will be better with the new help.