yesterday was yet another day to give tribute to mothers as we all celebrate every year. inarguably, mothers are the most important facet in our lives. fathers of course have and play their own roles in the rearing and development of their children. but moms often take the 24/7 responsibility of caring for the child. as i am now on the verge of parenthood myself, i experienced a special tug in my heart on this day. it felt sooo good that friends and family sent me greetings of love and affection even though i haven’t officially joined the great world of motherhood yet since i have a couple of weeks more of waiting for my bundle of joy. too bad baby’s dad and i weren’t together on my first special day. my own mother didn’t want to greet me because it was too early daw haha. but in my heart, i already am.
i begin to appreciate my mom even more now as i embark on this adventure myself. i do not have the much memories stored in my mental bank of things she did for me when i was little because i was brought up by my grandparents. i think there even came a point in my life when i resented this. i love my grandparents so much! but i couldn’t help thinking that, why did my folks left me all those years in the care of other people? considering that i was their firstborn, and that i came six years into their marriage? weren’t they excited to have me? after all those time waiting, weren’t they over the moon for finally having me? yeah i know they have their jobs that would feed me and pay for my education and all that stuff. but surely, they could find a yaya or somebody else to stay with me while they go to work. they made occasional visits every couple of weekends or so, making the commute to batangas and back to cavite where our house is. a year after, they had my brother. when i was five years old, the time finally came for when they would get me for good. my grandparents, especially my lolo, were heartbroken. i was the apple of their eye. suddenly, i had the feeling of being lost, and of being a stranger in your own family. my childish mind often keep telling me that i don’t belong there, that my mom loved my brother more than she did me. she didn’t give him up after all, and hired a nanny to look after him. my dad wasn’t around much. he was one of those lured to work in saudi arabia during the 80s. he didn’t stay there long though. but all in all, i think my feelings of resentment persisted way into my toddler, and school age years. i never felt any close attachment to any of them. i was always fighting with my brother.
i don’t know how long it took me to get rid of those negative feelings. i guess i just outgrew them all. i grew up to be independent from them. whenever i had to deal with problems and issues in my life, i leaned on friends. it was as if i cannot come to them with my heartaches and troubles. i always had this feeling that if i do, then i would only be admitting that i couldn’t take care of myself. that i was somehow letting them down. so i never ever took comfort from them. to their credit, i knew that they deeply cared about me. maybe we’re not just the kind of huggy-feeling family. during the darkest times of my life, they were just there. but words were never spoken, hugs never exchanged. i wallowed alone but i knew anyway that they were just there. i can’t explain why we seem to be waiting for the other to make the first move–me to come to them with my problems, or them comforting me knowing i was down and out. maybe we’re just like that. even when i started dating again and got engaged soon enough, i don’t know why there was a feeling of trepidation when i was about to tell them. i have actually shouted to the world that i was getting married, with friends pouring all their support, love and excitement for me. but it took me a long time to say this to my parents. i didn’t know if they would feel disappointed or happy with me. why? search me.
but now that i am married and about to have a daughter of my own, there was somehow a healing of sorts that has happened between us. whenever i come around the house every once in a while, my mother always seem so eager to talk to me, to ask me how i am, how are things going at our household. i was a little surprised that she somehow seemed more caring and loving than before. i guess my absence in their house coupled with their retirement last year has led her to reach out more to us. i now look forward to the days when hubby and i come home to them than to our own house where i had to be the woman of the house. maybe due to my pregnancy also, mama has become more attentive to my needs. it feels good to be “baby-ied” sometimes by your own mother even if you are about to turn 30. i just love the feeling of being attended to. i knew she ran our household all these years without the benefit of a maid. she did everything and i thank her for that. but my brother and i pretty much fended for ourselves for she was also working. i did my own laundy at the house, i eat when i want. i was provided with everything i needed. only now, i can feel her loving touch in everything that she does whenever i come home. it’s funny really, when you look at it.
i will bring up my children with the lessons i have learned all throughout my life tucked in my belt. i have readied myself countless times for this, for parenthood. i will be emotionally open with them even if it breaks my heart, or disappoints me. i would never deprive myself of feeling, and of being, a good and loving mother. a mom my children would go to to feel good about themselves and the things around them. a mom they could always count on no matter how big or small their achievements or mistakes could be, starting with this little one now inside my womb. i couldn’t express enough my eagerness and excitement to go through the ups and downs, the good and the bad of motherhood. i want to embrace everything that has to do with my kid. i know she will make me smile, laugh, love like i have never done in my entire life. someday, she might even make me cry. she will make me angry, sad, surprised, proud. she will bring out the best and worst in me. all through these, i will be here, always holding her hand, embracing her, loving her. i will never tire of kissing her, hugging her, saying i love yous to her. i will try to be the best i can ever be so that she will be the best she can be.