selfishness

i’m feeling rather selfish and needy the past few days. last weekend, we heard the bad news that an aunt of hubby’s passed away. hubby was sad, of course. that aunt was papa’s closest among all his siblings, and hubby really felt for him amidst all the tears they were shedding while the two of them were talking over the phone. mama wasn’t even there to comfort him. all his children are away with their respective families, except for one kuya. anyway, funeral arrangements were made in the last few days. being the close-knit family they are, papa wanted everyone there during the interment. hubby said occasions like these usually call for the presence of all family members, even distant cousins and relatives. they would all go, and make the time and effort, especially if the event is being held at their homebase, which is up, up north. i’ve witnessed this during our wedding when i met most of his relatives for the first time. birthdays, weddings, funerals, christenings or other events are attended to. i also distinctly remember the first time i came to their town for a cousin’s wedding. we just wanted to pay his grandma a visit, and of course to introduce me. before i knew it, half of the barangay are already at the house, eagerly looking forward to meeting the first girl michael has ever brought home (or so he says), and welcome a prospective addition to the family. i guess these kinds of things are their way of keeping in touch with one another.

anyway, back to my story–hubby had been mulling over going home for the funeral for the past few days. he kept on asking me if it was okay for him to go but he was clearly not bent on leaving me on my own. i was mum on the issue for the most part of week, telling him every time he asks if it was ok that it was up to him. i really hadn’t encouraged him to go but i also haven’t had the heart to tell him i didn’t want him to leave me even for only a couple of days. i am really ashamed of myself for being this way. i have not been clingy with hubby all throughout the year we have been together, whether as bf/gf or as a married couple. one thing i learned from a previous long term relationship is not to be overly dependent on your partner, or even assume that he will be there for you all the time. but the thing is, i couldn’t stand for him to be so far away at a time like this. we haven’t been away from each other for long periods of time since we’ve lived together. i am almost 36 weeks pregnant and i have all these sorts of fears enveloping me like a cloud. i want my husband to be by my side because i feel like i’m going to pop anytime. i’m having trouble walking, getting up, moving around. there wouldn’t be anyone to hold my hand, massage my back and legs when they feel especially tired at the end of the day, soothe my baby when she is giving mommy a hard time, and kiss and hold us at night, even if it’s only for a few days. secondly, a typhoon is hitting the philippines at the moment, and rains have been nonstop since a few days ago. how am i supposed to go to work and back home without him? what if i slip? i am not trying to be a damsel in distress but as i have a history of being a first-class klutz, it wouldn’t be the first time that my flat feet would fail me even though i am being very careful for baby. thirdly, because of the torrential rains and the horrible news of buses and other forms of vehicles falling onto terrains and cliffs in the countryside, i will forever be beside myself with worry while hubby is making the 12-hour trip home. i hope i can fall asleep tomorrow if indeed he decides to go. lastly, as i am nearing my due date and our finances have been rocky to say the least, i wanted to just save every penny we have. as it is, we can barely pay all our bills, for household expenses like groceries, etc., and meet other needs.

i am not a bad person, am i, for being needy at the moment? i really don’t want to keep him from a family tradition because i hope to god he doesn’t do it to me in the future when i want to do things on my own. the timing is just off.

shoot me if you will.

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2 thoughts on “selfishness

  1. Pingback: a week apart « a crazy mom's world

  2. Pingback: on the verge of a paranaoia attack « a crazy mom's world

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