to carry on from my previous posts where i crammed my life story, i am at this juncture in my life where i have stopped searching and asking “where is this road leading me” questions. i did the whole having a relationship-getting your heart broken-moving on-marrying the love of my life drama. so now i’m off to the next greatest adventure a woman could ever have in her life–mommyhood. as of this writing, i am 32 weeks on the way to having the greatest joy in my life. while this baby came at a really unexpected time in my and hubby’s life (read: middle of wedding preparations), neither of us even blinked at the thought of having the baby too soon in our lives. during the time we found out of her existence, we’ve been together only for eight months, and been engaged for six. it was a little unnerving of course, as we have to do the wedding earlier than scheduled, and then we have to deal with the ire of our parents, most especially mine. for them, having a ring on one’s finger does not of course mean you can have your liberties as you please. in this day and age, Filipino parents still expect their daughters to walk down the aisle embodying the virginal bride wearing the long, white gown.
moving along as mature individuals, we did not dilly-daly on this, and immediately put our heads together on how to work this out. since that fateful day in october when two lines appeared on two separate pregnancy kits we bought (i wanted another test just to be sure), we were spurred into action. went to an OB right away, told my parents right away (thank God for the little drama this actually created), had the pamamanhikan right away (thank God his parents were here from the province at that time), and immediately doubled our efforts for the wedding preparations.
amidst all the hustle, there were quiet times when i would still question myself if this is for real. naturally, anxieties did not fail to visit me. i was badly burned before (3rd degree pa nga!), and of course, i occasionally had doubts whether he would bolt or not. old habits die hard as old wounds don’t heal completely. they leave scars you know. there were times when i was more in doubt of myself than his intentions for he hasn’t given me any indications regarding his feelings for me and our unborn baby. i knew that we were so already into the preparations but i can’t help but feel some insecurity because i know having a baby is a another matter. it bound us together in a way that marriage can’t. but with him never giving up on me, i managed to let go of the uncertainties that always threaten to envelop me, and cast shadows on our relationship. i have learned to get over that tricky part, thanks to his love, patience and understanding. it’s safe to say we have both grown and matured in the few months’ time we have been together, for ourselves and for this tiny being currently swimming in my tummy.
i say swimming because that’s how it feels like most of the time she moves. and yes, she is a SHE!. before the wedding, while we are very much aware of her presence between us, she actually took a backseat when it comes to prioritizing our time. yeah, we went to doctor’s appointments, i religiously drank my pre-natal vitamins and the obiquitous anmum, i was careful about what i eat, i stopped vices… but really, it was after the brouhaha of the wedding that reality really sunk and that we’re having a baby. of course, it was cool of her too that she didn’t give mommy too much trouble as she was growing during the first trimester. i was one of the few lucky ones who didn’t have morning sickness, dizziness, nausea, cravings, that usually accompanies early pregnancy. baby was just be quietly lying inside mommy’s womb, fattening up and developing without being a hassle. i would not even think i was pregnant except for the fact that i didn’t have my period. also, my tummy grew too fast for comfort, my pants getting snug a bit earlier than expected, but i was used to that since i am on the round side. i showed very early when most pregnant women do this in their fourth or fifth month. in my case, everybody knew at once when i was in the second month.
we got a little scared when my first ultrasound during the 7th week revealed that i had a uterine fibroid or myoma. it caused some minor bleeding otherwise, baby and i carried on. we even found out that some fibroids can be a cause for infertility. so while unplanned, we are nevertheless very glad and thankful that we were going to be blessed with this baby.
and so the first trimester came and went without much ado. with the wedding now out of the way, excitement again mounted as we begin preparing for baby’s arrival in this world. we always looked forward to ultrasounds since the 16th week when gender can be determined. i have always wanted a little girl whom i can dress up and be best friends with when she grows up. of course, the dad wanted the firstborn to be a boy. and so, it became a battle of wills between us. i often jokingly tell him that he didn’t want a girl because he was afraid of how men will treat her when she’s all grown up as he is a man himself. hmmm, knowing all the maneuvers, the pick up lines, the moves.. i’m guessing he couldn’t bear the thought of those being done on his baby daughter. he laughingly often answers that boys are just easier to manage, plus of course, the family name will not be lost somehow. anyway, i know deep in my heart (i guess my first stab at mother’s instinct), that it was going to be a girl.
and so, in eager anticipation, we scheduled an ultrasound at the first possible time when we could see if baby was a girl or a boy. only to fail the first time. and the second time. oh god! i think my babe is trying to show how she has a mind of her own, and would only succumb to mommy’s and daddy’s wishes when she feels like it. the first time the lady doctor sonologist tried to look into her “goods”, she flexed her knees and tried to hide her lower torso in the deep recesses of mommy’s womb, making it impossible to make out anything from that area. the doctor tried very hard to prod her, and we ended up frustrated, with the gel on my tummy drying out, and still couldn’t get anything from her. a month after that, a diagnostics exams were done at the office. i took this opportunity to have another ultrasound although it was not my schedule to have one yet. and lo and behold! baby tried another tactic so that the technician is again unsuccessful in determining her gender. finally, on the third attempt in our 27th week, she was behaving like an angel. i beamed immediately upon hearing the news that she was indeed a girl, just like i knew she would be. i saw michael’s crestfallen face, which i laughed at. but then he brightened up again. i told him baby could feel that he didn’t want her just because she was a girl.
i will tell the story of how her 3D/4D ultrasound sessions went when i have pictures to show for it.
i guess my unborn child keeps me preoccupied and sane nowadays. a minute doesn’t pass by without me thinking of her. in case i do forget her, she nudges or does sommersaults to remind me she’s there. it seems like we are waiting forever for my babe to get here. i’m literally counting the days and weeks until she’s here. at the same time, i’m also anxious how the birth would be. i knew from the start that i would have to go through a c-section because of the myoma. i have another batch of fears for that one but i’m trying hard not to dwell on them lest i go crazy. june couldn’t come fast enough.